If you want to have better relationships, look inside yourself first before trying to change others.
Recently, I posted a breakdown of an interview between Doug Bopst and Peter Crone. (Link at bottom.)
One key area that Peter talked about in the interview was about our relationships with others. He said, “Every relationship we have with others resides within us.”
He went on to say, “You’re upset with others, but if you want to improve relationships with others, you have to improve your relationships with yourself.”
What Peter is saying is that what you think and believe about yourself influences every interaction you have with others.
If you have insecurities, this will cause you to act with others inauthentically.
If you have peace and confidence in yourself, you will have more trusting, stronger, and closer relationships with all those people with whom you interact.
A Deeper Look at How our Insecurities Hurt Our Relationships
Many of our insecurities come from our past, especially when we were young, and most people go through life without understanding how they affect everything that they do.
Let me give you some examples of how a person’s insecurities can affect their behaviors.
If a person has a need to feel loved, they might be too doting or too needy. They also might constantly seek a reaffirmation of love from their partner to satisfy their need.
If a person has past issues with security in their life, they might have developed behaviors that are controlling. This can cause behaviors such as needing to control conversations. They might become micro-managers. They might need things to always be done a certain way.
If a person did not get enough validation as a child, they might always be seeking validation. “Look at me, I did this!” When they feel that their efforts are not noticed, they start to get resentful.
Insecurities can cause many negative behaviors from person to person such as being aggressive when feeling threatened, being passive when they feel that they are being attacked, being fearful when taking on new challenges,
Our insecurities cause inauthentic behavior.
Our inauthentic behavior pushes away the very thing that we seek.
We seek love, but our push for love from our partner ends up pushing them away.
We want security, but our need for security causes irritation and anger in others causing them to not want to interact with you.
Our need for validation becomes too much for our partners. They end up seeking someone else.
How Do We Overcome These Insecurities?
Peter says the first step is to be aware of our behaviors and what they mean. Many people are unaware of how their insecurities are causing them to behave.
Just the act of becoming aware of them can help you better understand yourself and your behaviors.
The first thing to do is to step back and examine your behavior. It is critical that you be honest with yourself.
Examine how you interact with others. Reflect on how you interact in all different kinds of relationships. Do you really listen to others? Do you feel a need to criticize? Are you constantly seeking assurance or validation from the people closest to you? Do strangers do things to upset you?
Once you start to see patterns, you should question when you started feeling this. Where did this first originate?
Understanding the cause of our behavior can help us come to terms with it.
Peter emphasizes several key points to help us move along in many of his interviews.
Realize that the past is finished.
Many people dwell on the past. Peter says that the past is done. We can learn from it, but if we continue to carry it with us, we are only causing suffering for ourselves. He says it can be difficult to let it go.
If you can let it go, then you have the chance to live in freedom and authenticity. This will help you act better with others, not only enriching your life but those around you.
Understand and embrace that life is the way it is.
Peter says that we fight life. Instead of fighting life, understand and embrace that life is the way it is. When you accept that everyone is going through life and will have ups and downs, this acceptance will help you be more at peace with yourself and life. Fighting and resisting and worrying about things causes stress that we push on to others. Being at peace with yourself allows you to be more at peace with others.
Embrace your humanity.
Peter says to embrace your humanity and know that you are not perfect. If you concentrate on your flaws and imperfections, you will find them and dislike yourself. Embrace everything there is about you – both your flaws and good points. When you learn to love yourself, you will have peace, freedom and confidence. This will vibrate outwards causing you to have less stress and more happiness.
Summary
To summarize, if you want a better, deeper, and closer relationships, first learn to love and trust yourself. Come to terms with your insecurities. Find them and accept that you have them.
Embrace your humanity and accept yourself. When you can learn to love yourself and accept life for what it is, you will have more freedom. You will act more authentically with people. This higher authenticity will bring better things to you instead of repelling them away.
This comes from Peter Crone’s interview with Doug Bopst. I broke down the entire interview here if you would like to get more detail about what Peter had to say.
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