How to Find Real Happiness and Peace

A transcription and break down of Peter Crone’s interview with Doug Bopst.

Peter Crone helps people overcome the self-limiting stories that they believe about themselves deep down. These stories subconsciously hold people back. By understanding them, he helps people find freedom and happiness.

Peter delivers lots of wisdom in each of his interviews that offer a lot of value. As he offers so much advice, I find that I often miss some key points that I only catch after more than one listening of his interviews.

I transcribe his interview on Doug Bopst’s podcast, How to Reprogram Your Subconscious Mind & Design Your Dream Life with Peter Crone, that was shared on YouTube, and then I discuss some key points at the end. I encourage you to first read this and then go and listen to it if you have time. I have shared the link at the end of this article.

Here are some key points that Peter discusses in this podcast:

• Peace and Happiness – He discusses how to find peace and happiness now instead of chasing after them and hoping that they will come to us.
• Relationships – He shares how to have better relationships and how to get over a difficult, broken relationship.
• Negative Thinking – He talks about how to overcome limiting beliefs and the negative thoughts we have about ourselves.
• Optimism and Profound Acceptance – He teaches us how to accept life and get past the trials that life throws at us.

Transcription

What would it take to design your dream life in 30 days?

Peter says that he would do a complete reorientation of what they are trying to achieve. He says that it is a great dream, and he wouldn’t discourage anyone from doing a 30-day challenge. But he says that as life is full of adversity and trials, a much more powerful and dreamy life would be “to learn to find profound acceptance for the one we have.” He says that is a much deeper interpretation of success.

He adds that “true success is being at peace.” Pursuing a dream life in 30 days is a lot of effort and fatigue. It is a lot of trying to prove something to oneself.

He says that acceptance of life doesn’t mean resignation.

He says it means to what degree can we find enough humility as a human being “to allow the events of life to unfold but not be so upset by them versus trying to create a perfect set of circumstances.”

How do you find peace?

He says that if you want to find peace, it is incumbent for us to see where we are not allowing life to be the way it is. He says that the opposite of peace is resistance, which means “the places where we are in conflict with the circumstances of our life.” He says that for him, a dream life is to take a few deep breaths and discover within us the resistance to the way things are.

He says if we have a parent who is struggling with sickness, or are unemployed, or struggling in other areas, it is to not condone the circumstances, but just, for now, find profound acceptance for that life is the way it is.

Most importantly, he says life is the way it is, and the degree to which I resist it, is where mental sickness and diseases come in. He says we are fighting reality. A dream life is about being at peace.

How can somebody develop self-awareness?

Peter starts off by saying that we only see life from our perspective; we can’t view it from another timeline.

He says that first, we have to slow down. We are in a hurry to get to someplace so that we can be happy.

You are in a state of resistance, you are feeling that the life you have is not the one you’re supposed to have. So, the first place to start is to be aware of this resistance. Ask yourself, why do I believe that things should be different? He says that, by questioning our resistance, we can start the inquiry to the deeper subconscious patterns of thinking that: I am not enough. I am not safe. I am not loved. I am not wanted. Some kind of “not.”

How do you transform a limiting belief into something that will empower you?

“Through the beauty of accepting our humanity.”

He says that it’s not an easy thing to do. It’s hard to be a human. We all have self-hatred, self-judgement, and insecurity related to our actual safety on the planet. The actual access to freedom is to remind ourselves, “that is just part of the programming of a human being.” Then we need to integrate and accept it.

We do not judge ourselves for having two arms. Part of being human is that you are going to have a narrative founded in some form of I’m not enough. And that’s okay. When you integrate this and are no longer driven by it, hiding it, or becoming a perfectionist to compensate for I am not enough, all these things fall to the wayside. You are not defined by it.

He used to be called perfect Pete because he compensated for not ‘enoughness’ until he realized it was futile because no one is perfect. The degree to which we can embrace that about ourselves is the degree to which we get to live a dream life because we are no longer fighting who we are.

Acceptance of ourselves being human is the gateway to improving our relationship with our limiting beliefs. – Peter Crone

Are there any kind of exercises to help rewire that thought so you are accepting it and starting to believe it?

Peter discusses affirmations and why they are not as helpful when compared to finding and coming to grips with the stories we have from our past.

Peter says that there’s different ways that the subconscious gets its structure. The different dialogues that we have. Typically, the most common people struggle with is what happens in childhood where we hear things as factual.

He says, the first thing is to learn patience, kindness, and forgiveness for oneself, which isn’t easy. He says we have deep codes that are very primal. We want to belong, we want to be safe, we want to be loved as humans. That’s how we survive.

He gives an analogy to help clarify what he means.

He says if he came to your house now with lots of new furniture, you would be, “there is no room for this!” He says that this is like doing affirmations and positive thinking without cleaning up the old stuff (in your head). So, you have to become aware of the dialogue that you currently have (the old furniture) of why you think you are a failure, or you are not enough (and then it is easier to make new changes).

He adds that it’s hard to look at because it’s uncomfortable. It hurts to feel those things. To have a better life, we have to look at those things we have been carrying that isn’t a truth but defines us. Self-awareness and then question the truth and ask if it is “really” true, like an absolute truth that I am a loser.  It’s not the truth. It’s how you feel.

He says that this is why affirmations are not very helpful. (until you overcome your negative beliefs about yourself, the affirmations will not be very effective.) They will give transitory relief. When you deal with the underlying code, when you get rid of the derogatory statements about yourself, then you start to naturally feel peace.

What are some habits people need to get rid of to help them?

He says that the worst habit is a form of self-narrative. Some forms might be overindulging in food, drugs, alcohol, or medication to escape from suffering. And these habits are secondary to the worst habit which is the way we speak to ourselves.

He says that you need to pay attention to the consistent inner dialogue that is very derogative.

He says that we need to listen to the voice in our head. For the most part, we are not very kind to ourselves. We treat that voice as it is who I am. Instead, we should listen to that voice as if it NOT me.

When you do this, you will start to show compassion for that person. That person is so hard on themselves and only sees the worst image of themselves. If this were a friend saying this, we would want to help them and show them the good things about themselves.

The key he says is to slow down and start to become aware of how we speak to ourselves. He says that it helps to sit down and write out your thoughts so you can see them and create separation. Over time, you start to recognize some of the consistent thoughts that we think about ourselves that are not nice, that put us down. To break the habit, we want to bring those consistent thoughts into our awareness.

Next, he says to share those consistent thoughts with a loving friend, a therapist, or someone else you trust, and then you explore the validity of those statements.

He says that our thoughts are not a truth, they are just an opinion you have. And when you start to see that they are not true, then you start to break the habit of that negative opinion and self-talk you have about yourself.

He says that he asks a powerful question of clients, “Who would you be or who could you be in the absence of those (negative opinions)?”

If you didn’t have that negative narrative in your head, you would feel amazing, which gives you something that you are trying to reach with positive affirmations or through an idealized future.

How do we bridge that gap between thinking that we are a failure and realizing that we are not, especially when you are in a situation like having no money or no relationship?

Peter says it’s like a five-lane highway.

In one lane, you go to the gym, you get some things done, you say affirmations – this is all great. It makes you feel good and there is nothing wrong with this, but in the other four lanes are the dialogues such as, I don’t have enough money, I am not enough, when will things get better?  It’s like treating a skin problem with cream, instead of attacking the underlying issue like changing your diet or getting rid of stress.

He says our life is an extension of us, and if our energy is in a state of disease or disorder, then the world around us will reflect that.  Which is good news because instead of being a victim of circumstance, we see that our energy is the precursor and the creative force of our circumstances.

However, he says to be careful, we don’t want to make ourselves guilty or shameful, which isn’t helpful.

If we go, okay my life is the way it is because of who I am, then by changing who I am, then my life will change automatically versus me staying the same inadequate, insecure person who thinks they are a failure but desperately trying to change my life, which is a futile battle.

What are some good habits that clients should instill in themselves?

He says having self-awareness. Understand and be aware of your consistent thoughts. What are the words that come out of your mouth? Those words create our reality.

In terms of maintenance for habits, he says having consistent sleep cycles. Ideally, go to bed before 10 pm or you run the risk of getting into a different cycle energetically which can cause you to get a second wind or get hungry. Watch the sunrise to set your circadian rhythm. Do exercise, maybe breath work. Really focus on the breath and your body. He mentions meditation, good food, chewing a lot, and having good community.  The main ones are good sleep hygiene. Don’t look at your phone before bed. Get hydrated, eat good food, move your body, and do something that contributes to the benefit of society.

If someone is looking to really become happy, what are some of the cornerstones to finding happiness?

Peter says, “True happiness is the absence of the search for happiness.”

If you are not trying to get somewhere, and if you are not trying to protect who you are, then that is true happiness.

You are at peace with the way things are, and you remain committed to whatever your goals and aspirations are. He says even for himself that he is exploring so many things, but not from a place of lack, not from a place that there is something wrong in his life.

He emphasizes that happiness isn’t about a 30-day program, it is available right NOW. You can find it instantaneously when you are in profound relationship to the way things are and not in resistance to the way things are.

How do people break free from the cycle of I’ll be happy when I get this or that in today’s society?

We are all wired to think that the life we really want is the ‘one day’ sort of future. But logically and intelligently, have you ever been in your future? No one has. (As we do not know what is in the future, why should we base our happiness on the unknown?)

You are chasing a perpetual horizon that keeps moving with you. You make a million bucks, but later want more because you adjust to the circumstances around you. The same pressures apply (our unresolved past), so it’s a trap to think that what we want is in the future.

We are forgetting the life that’s right in front of us now.

The how is to first notice the lie that your successes in the future will give you happiness. How many times have you hit a milestone, but it didn’t reconcile your suffering? It doesn’t get rid of the resistance.

What are some ways people can do to improve the ways to feel about themselves?

Peter asks Doug how he would help a friend who had a similar problem who was feeling low about themselves.

After he gives his answer, he says you just answered your question – with love and compassion. Apply these values to yourself. It’s okay to feel this way. Give the same love that you would give a friend to yourself.

It’s good for us to feel the qualities and good attributes and characteristics that we do have beneath ourselves, and then pull ourselves up and do something like go for a walk or exercise. As soon as we allow for something (like love and acceptance) to be there it tends to dissipate.

Doug says that acceptance is a big thing you can do in those situations. Otherwise, you fall into a shame cycle, a victim cycle, which prolongs your misery. These things are just a part of the human experience, and then you figure out a way to go on.

Peter replies that the ego is the reason this happens. The ego’s number one prerogative is to be right about itself so it can stay in the woe is me. We are fueling the ego’s need for its own validation.

How can we have a better relationship with our ego?

 Peter says with profound love and acceptance. He says that we have parts of us that feel inadequate. Parts of us made in self-judgement and self-criticism. As humans, we learn to love that part of us that is not perfect. We accept it.

We have attributes that we love such as our nose, our body, our face, etc. it doesn’t take any work to love those things.

A great attribute of a human is that we have to develop the capacity to love those parts of us that we are hoping somebody else will, not realizing that all the other humas out there are doing the same thing.

The irony is we are looking for someone to love us even though we don’t love ourselves.

What are some tips to improve the quality of relationships?

He starts by saying that every relationship we have with others resides within us. You’re upset with others, but if you want to improve relationships with others, you have to improve your relationships with yourself. If you can find acceptance for the part of you that you find difficult to love and accept, then you are naturally going to extend that to others. You are going to be more patient, forgiving and accepting.

Many relationships are kind of constructed or designed not consciously. “I’ll be okay if you behave the way I want you to.” That’s not a real relationship because you are saying I need you to be a particular type of person for me to be okay. That is me with me, not me with you.

Most people have a relationship with their own idea of how people should act. It’s tough because you say you love your wife, but no, you are loving the idea of what you want her to be, and that’s not a relationship. People start to realize that their relationships don’t work because they are not in a relationship.

He says, it’s recognizing the pressure that we put on ourselves that then gets superimposed onto others. The judgement that we have on ourselves that then manifests as making other people wrong. The universe didn’t put any one of us in charge of how things should be and how anyone should act. But that’s how everyone acts. They think people should behave in certain ways. I didn’t get my marching orders of who I am meant to be in your life. This makes you see the audacity of the ego’s mindset that it knows how everyone should act. When you see the insanity of that, it breeds a lot more love and acceptance and allows people to be who they are now. It doesn’t mean we should condone certain behavior.

If you are the one perpetrating the wrong making and the judgement and the shame of another human being, that is a relationship with your own ideal of who someone should be. That is a fictitious relationship. That’s why most relationships do not work. You are not in a relationship with the people around you, you’re in a relationship with your own imagination about them.

How do you know when you are not in that type of relationship?

He says, because you’ll find harmony, connection, forgiveness, intimacy – the close connection vs. being in a relationship where you fight, argue, and judge each other.

If you want to be surrounded by amazing people who lift you up, care for you, help you, love you, then you have to be that person for yourself. That’s the ultimate relationship we are developing.

What is something you have been working on yourself for the last 6 months to 1 year that’s helped improve your relationship with yourself?

Peter talks about his work with high end people. They all expect him to be free, happy, right. He says the truth is that I can be upset and second guess myself. I am making more space for those feelings, and this enhances my capacity to help others. So, allowing space for me to not be the best of what I do, I become better.

How can people be comfortable when things are unfair in life and don’t go their way?

Peter says that it’s easy to get upset at the world. I lost my mom and dad when I was young. If I said life was unfair, no one would begrudge me that. The expression ‘unfair’ is the trap. It might be unpleasant, it might be unfortunate, it might be unexpected, but if we think the world is unfair, now we are a victim.

So, we use dialogues or excuses to be a victim of anything. We are pushing ourselves into that black hole of the ego where there is no resolution. So, I don’t look at life as unfair, I look at life as it’s just what it is.  The unfairness is in our head. It’s in our reaction, it’s in our response.

This doesn’t mean that it is easy. It doesn’t mean it isn’t what we want. It doesn’t mean that it is without challenges, but at some level we can say that is the beauty of life.

If you had a video game and moved from left to right and kept leveling up without any challenge, it would be boring. In life, when we are handed challenges, we are becoming a better human where we evolve because we are facing adversity.

Is there a way of to be able to get into a more optimistic state of mind so that you can move forward and get out of the victim trap?

“Radical humanity.” I work with billionaires and athletes, and they are really messed up if they fail. They have kids who don’t like them. And maybe a kid ends up in rehab.  So, having the humility to realize that it’s not about perfecting our circumstances or ourselves. That is the first place.

Then get counsel from friends, people you love, people that care, people who are willing to listen.

Asking for help was never a strength for myself. My conditioning as an orphaned child forced this view of myself to figure it all out by myself. So, even though it has allowed me to amass an incredible amount of capacity to deal with life and intelligence to be able to work myself out of most situations, I am learning to receive and ask for help. I am learning to afford other people the opportunity to find value, the value in making a difference in my life.

We think that we are going to be an inconvenience.

When we ask for help, you realize that humans, we love to make a difference, we love to be of service, so I am learning to integrate, to show vulnerability to talk about my woes and let other people see that one, I am human, and two, that it is okay, and three, let them contribute.

Life does get hard, and we do get those negative thoughts. So, share with someone who is kind and loving and cares about you. Not in front of people who don’t care about you as they use it as evidence against you. Sharing with someone who cares, feelings of apathy and hopelessness can dissipate quickly.

What is something you have shared recently?

Asking someone to hear what I am going through in an intimate relationship. Asking someone to hear me out. Letting people listen to me to help me become a better man.

When we do feel love with somebody, we become very vulnerable, but it’s through that vulnerability that we can access these deeper levels of our own constraints. If someone on the street, or in your DMs is saying things, it is one thing. But if your partner is giving you the cold shoulder, or being angry, it hurts.

How can someone get better at dealing with the unknown?

Peter tells the story of his girlfriend. His parent’s death made him scared of loss, and this loss made him try to hold on to his girlfriend. This made him become aware that he had a deep fear of loss. It made him change his whole conversation.

It wasn’t a ‘loss.’ He didn’t lose his parents which is a human way of contributing to a victim mindset. It’s difficult. It’s unwanted. It’s unfortunate, but it is not unfair. I didn’t ‘lose’ this person.

So, when I had questions about her, will she come back, is there another guy, will I find love like that again, they all led to “I don’t know.” To come back to the question. I realize that the very nature of life itself is uncertainty, and it’s not going to change. The question is, how can we adjust? To what degree can we evolve to be okay with uncertainty?

People are fighting life. You have 2 paths you can go down. One path is that life is uncertain. And we, with our insecurities and inadequacies, are always thinking about this or that, or what about this or that, and it’s exhausting.

Path two is that life is uncertain and I’m just going to trust I am going to do the best I can, and I am going to allow things to unfold.

This goes back to your first question. How can I create my dream life in 30 days? I don’t know. You might get really bad news on the 8th day (and the 30-day plan is out the window). But if you stay in the present and in the flow of life unfolding, you stay in harmony with life, now you are on to something. It’s not 30 days; it’s perpetual success because I am allowing things to be the way they are now.

How do you help people find harmony when people, such as the high achievers you work with, are under so much pressure?

Peter says that one of his favorites quotes is, “If you are okay with every outcome, then you have nothing to fear.”

It doesn’t mean it is easy. Even Jack Nicholas said that the important part of winning is being ok with losing.

Why fight a future that hasn’t transpired? No one is scared of the unknown; they’re scared of what their brain is putting in the unknown. Anxiety is associated with uncertainty, but it isn’t the uncertainty that is causing the anxiety. The anxiety is the byproduct of the thoughts that we’re putting into an uncertain future. I will be fired. I will become homeless. I will die.

We are being upset by our thoughts about the future, not the uncertainty of the future. So, that is where we are if we can be okay with all outcomes. It’s not easy. I might have cancer or be hit by a car in a week, but if I sit here and think about it, I’m going to be in a state of suffering.

But, if I am okay with ALL outcomes not matter what (I will not be in this state of suffering). What if this game of life is not mine to control? I am a co-creator. I do the best that I can to contribute as best as I can. I try to somehow finesse things to go my way, but what if it is all being handed to me? Can I be okay with that? That’s peace. Because otherwise, we are just fighting our own illusion of how we want it to be.

How can someone get to where they are okay in a relationship if things do go bad and you break up? Then this person marries someone else? How can you be okay with this outcome?

He says, being human, we are just like little kids. Let’s say your parents are taking you somewhere but you don’t know where, so the kid gets anxious, hurt, upset. They don’t want to go there because they don’t know the big picture. But, as the adult, we are taking them to school. It is part of their evolution, but in a few days or weeks, they make friends and can’t wait to go to school to see their friends.

But, to begin with, there was this trepidation, a feeling of fear and worry. What if life is like the quintessential parent that is guiding us in ways that we resist?

Maybe you say, I don’t want to do that. Life is “No, I understand. It’ll all make sense.” The person who “left” you and is married to someone else. It might take months or years, but then you meet someone else who is 10x everything you thought you had. A person gets fired and 6 months later are excited because they started their own company, which wouldn’t have happened without getting fired. It is a cause and effect. And a word, which is by no means easy to integrate, is trust. ‘Trust’ that even in ways we don’t understand that the events of our life unfold even though they may seem like not what we want subjectively, at some point, are going to be for our benefit. That is not easy. That’s the only way, otherwise, you’re just perpetually fighting life.

People will tell me, I want to get rid of the pain right away, I want to feel good right away, because I think that people know that they will find a better relationship, they’ll find the better job, but they want it right now.

But here is the irony. The urgency and the impatience is the catalyst for pain. I want money, love, security – now! I want to stop the pain and anxiety. It’s the resistance that creates suffering, not the pain itself.

You are just having a feeling that you are sad. There is nothing inherently wrong with a feeling. It’s just a feeling. I feel sad, hopeless. “No, I don’t want to!” Now you are in suffering. You can immediately feel a sense of relief, ironically, by allowing the feeling that you say you don’t want.

Peter says, the matter of being human is we are okay with joy, feeling love, feeling positive. He adds that  it is not different from the feelings of I don’t feel happy, I feel sad, I feel pointless. As a human being, you have a rich gradient of emotions that we can all have. If you make space for all of them, then you are never in a state of suffering.

The catalyst for making us change are these negative emotions.

Peter says we wouldn’t have half of the freaking love stories if it weren’t for the feelings that people have. The ones that inspire us. So, is it really bad that somebody goes through a heartbreak or is that the catalyst for inspiration for somebody else? It’s making space for every outcome. Once again, if you are okay with every outcome, you’ve got nothing to fear.

That ended the main points of the interview.

Summary of key ideas:

There are so many things that Peter shares in this video, but here are some of the key ideas.

“A much deeper interpretation of success is to find profound acceptance for the life you have now.”

Peter emphasizes that happiness isn’t about a 30-day program, it is available right NOW. You can find it instantaneously when you are in profound relationship to the way things are and not in resistance to the way things are. He says you can do this by slowing down and becoming self-aware of where you are resisting life. Once you acknowledge this resistance and come to terms with it by learning to accept that life is the way it is, you will reduce the ‘resistance.’ This will lead to a reduction of stress and anxiety, helping you find peace.

“Acceptance of ourselves being human is the gateway to improving our relationship with our limiting beliefs.”

Another key point is to accept ourselves, not only the things we like about ourselves, but also those things that we do not like. This is harder, but once you can do this, then you really do find true freedom. You become more at ease with yourself, which helps you to act more authentically.

I really like this question that Peter asks his clients:

“Who would you be or who could you be in the absence of those (negative opinions)?”

“To have a better life, we have to look at those things we have been carrying that isn’t a truth but defines us.”

We carry stories that define us, and many of these stories evolve around our “not.” I am not good enough. I am not pretty enough. I am not smart enough. We hold them to be truths. Peter says we need to look at these, acknowledge them, validate them, and come to terms with them. Once again, when you can accept your humanity and learn to accept yourself, then you will find real freedom and happiness.

“Every relationship we have with others resides within us.”

 You’re upset with others, but if you want to improve relationships with others, you have to improve your relationships with yourself. Peter says that we look for others to provide the security that we lack in ourselves. If we do not love ourselves, we look for people who will love us for who we are. If we have an insecurity about our looks, we find someone who will accept our looks. This creates inauthenticity. Deep down, we are worried about the person leaving us because we still carry our insecurity. This causes us to act inauthentically by being too pleasing or doting. Or, we might be so insecure we demand that they do things to meet our needs. Eventually, this leads to problems in the relationship. When you come to terms with your insecurities, life becomes less stressful and easier.

“Life is uncertain and I’m just going to trust I am going to do the best I can, and I am going to allow things to unfold.”

Peter says that we aren’t scared of the unknown. We are scared of what our brain puts in the unknown. We take a situation, and we compound it with a lot of “what ifs.” What if I lose my job? What if I do this and lose money? What if I am criticized and made fun of?

When you just focus on doing the best that you can and allowing life to unfold, you have peace. You have less stress and anxiety. Yes, some bad things might happen, and when they do, you just roll with them. That’s life. It’s not easy to let go, but when you do let it go, life becomes much easier to deal with.

If you are okay with every outcome, then you have nothing to fear. – Peter Crone

I hope that you found this interview as helpful as I did. If you have questions, please ask them below. Here is the link to the interview on YouTube: How to Reprogram Your Subconscious Mind & Design Your Dream Life.

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